A letter of Hope for the Relentless

Feeling lost, but not actually lost. Father, I’m writing to you for those of us coming out of that "thing" we've been in that we don't feel like we're emerging from, but we actually are.. And that phraseology is a fairly somewhat-of-a-perfect articulation of the "thing" of which we've been in because its nearly impossible to explain. So, you go!

I've felt lost but that doesn't really explain it either. I'm adopted, I know this, so now what?

The Word is very clear about the Spirit of Adoption. The Seal of the Holy Spirit is also our guarantee and that should be helpful in times like this, when we can’t seem to see anything good or truthful, nothing worth hanging onto because we're looking through a thick fog of lies that’s been spread before us, over us, behind us suddenly out of nowhere. Geesh.

I have never dealt with anything quite so excruciatingly painful as I’ve experienced in the last few months. Air should just be there, no? But I'm getting what feel like waves of oxygen, moments where I can breathe, they’re fleeting. Like my reality has actually become drowning with only a few minutes where I’m given the chance to come up for air.

I know this isn’t God. I know this isn’t how I’m supposed to live. No one is. This is torture, honestly, though.

I have zero idea where it’s coming from. Yet I do know at the same time. There were so many though, and that's a place where I get hung-up all too easy. It couldn't possibly be that many...who put on a face over the last few years. I’m not sure it matters so much that I know where it’s coming from as long as I trust the Lord to pull me out and put me where this will never happen again. Not like this anyway. No, I digress. He promised me in Isaiah 62 that he was marrying 1. My land. Beulah. He said he'd marry the land and then he'd 2. rename me. Hephzibah. and then put me in that land which he'd already prepared for me to abide in. And he'd rejoice over me while he was doing it, and then he'd call me "a city not forsaken" whereas before, nobody wanted to go through my gates. This is a kinsmen redeemer's work. So, I stand on what I originally said! He will pluck me up and place me where this will not happen anymore. I will not pass through this way again.

Carry on.

I am his responsibility. So, he must. His word is very clear about that, too. Because I am adopted, it is HE who must sustain me, provide for me, keep me strong and upright. Besides all that, if he doesn’t, I’m dead. That's not an ultimatum. I don't have that in me to make an ultimatum, believe it or not. It's not in my character. Never was. But even if it was before Him, it ain't now.

It’s clear to me how much I love him. Though I’ve been told a million times by a million different people that I don’t, I think I finally don’t believe them lol

Yay, at last! That’s me breaking through the ceiling of muddy waters, brown fog, like a mist of methane gas. I kid you not, it actually smells like that. Especially at night. I smelled that very smell come out of someone’s mouth about 2, nearly 3 years back. Back when all this began. I had a very difficult time with that when I realized what was happening. Murmuring under the breath in someone’s direction carries the smell of dead things passing gas. Yes, when we curse with our tongue, we are releasing that…in the spirit. From our mouths. Don’t think about that too long but do take a look at that for a second for what it really is. Made me check myself a few times. I’m about to get real. I hope you’ll continue to read..

For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Only Jesus can make a heart clean. Yes. He is the only thing we need in order to be "clean." And he's wonderful. His presence in our life, I mean, if you read the word and love him with your whole heart there is no more guile. And don't listen to the naysayers wanting you to get "inner-healing" before you can _____," fill in the blank. Jesus is inner-healing. That's the Spirit's job to transform us. I'm not saying don't go to therapy if you need it. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying don't get suckered in to the lie that you need to jump through all these hoops to follow Jesus. It looks good on the outside, but it's a trap. Its self-righteousness to think that any of us have the power to cleans a heart. These jokers will have you questioning everything before you know what hit you, believing "yeah but what if I don’t really love him and I find out I’ve been living a lie this whole time?”  Don’t let people suck you into their unbelief. This also smells like a nasty cloud of human excrement.

And if someone has told you that, I am so sorry. I know the confusion that brings with it. I've been in it. I ask that the Holy Spirit would remove that junk from your air-space now, and may his beautiful wind come and blow his sweet breath into your atmosphere as he clears away that lying fog.

Right now, I’m in a place, where life is breaking through and he’s filling my room with these incredible fragrances. If he's doing it for me, he's doing it for you. Wow! For the first time in a long time, I don’t smell something so terrible it chokes me out. What a weird time. A painful undoing, a necessary unweaving. This time, an undoing of a lot of things that I didn’t actually bring upon myself for once.

And with his presence has come the reality of the pain that was left by the commands, demands, and oppression brought on by others. Maybe the first time in my life I’ve allowed it to not be my fault. In my own thinking, just conditioned by my past. This time, there was nothing for me to work on or fix. This all came at me externally and it was quite shocking to my system. But that’s exactly why it was allowed. I needed a shock to my old system. It needed to come down in order to move forward. I just assumed once I made the one decision that mattered in life, to follow Jesus, everybody would be glad and rejoice that I finally came to my senses. This was not so. Maybe you’ve been through this, too.  It’s zero fun to have your first moments of total clarity spent seeing some dark things that are no longer dark to you (Psalm 139).  But hang on, redemption is nigh!

Now, I’d be just like those who hate if I weren’t able to see this. There’s always a redemptive part. This sets you apart. Mercy, Lord. No matter who, no matter what, in Christ, there’s always a redemptive plan.

The redemptive plan here is transformation. Not to say you weren’t already transformed. This is what deep called to deep for. Are you ready? Check this out; none of these details will matter once the hope being restored within us outweighs the pain of the last season.

You see, right now, hope and pain are neck and neck; a see-saw that’s stuck mid-air, 180 degrees, its flatlined, you could even say. Eye to eye, mono-y-mono. A standoff!

There have been so many lies to clear out, right? The fog has vanished, and we find ourselves experiencing the pain of what we couldn’t see before, that we knew was going on, but now there it is in all its raunchy realness. The reality that “yes” that was actually going on, and, “Oh boy! Here comes the grief!” The grief of having to let go of something you fought for, you sowed 25 years worth of tears in less than half of a decade of time. And then the rest of your lifetime’s tears came swelling in, like a 10,000 foot tidal wave here in the last six months. There’s no way that last little flicker of hope in my heart, just gasping for air when its been there, hasn’t burnt out yet. But wait. Hope arises like the shining moon, like the Shulamite coming up out of the wilderness. That moment you wake up every day going, “I thought I already had this moment!” You did, Beloved, your spirit has been experiencing this moment over and over and over again every single day since this all began. That’s faith.  The substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1). And that hope is the vision he gave you that you are experiencing every moment and it will not tarry another day. It is today that hope outweighs the pain of your Shulamite season.

I see just now something else that’s been happening beneath the surface. Which had there been no seed of hope left in my heart, I would be dead. You can’t live without hope. Not for long anyway. And God, Abba my heavenly father, is not a narcissist. He will let the enemy overplay his hand. I’m definitely seeing that now.

I was once told by a trusted leader in a church I attended that God told me to stop using my spiritual gifts because I was using them wrong. They then went on to tell me that God said I was on thin ice. And he, God himself, actually led me there because he thought it was cute that I was trying so hard to get it right but now it was almost too late and I needed to beware for I was about to fall through that ice.

Five years later..

This I know is absolutely ridiculous and in no way came from God.

However, what I didn’t recognize until now is that this is actually what the Lord does to the enemy. And come to think of it.. makes what was said even more of a horrendous thing to breathe out over a brother or sister. Wow. Let’s continue though and then pray for more justice. I mean, wow! Anyway, God, He lets the enemy think he’s about to get away with it. Leads him right to the edge, right out over thin ice and then says, “You thought you had my child where you wanted them, but I actually led you right into MY plan..” thus the edge of the cliff that the enemy led you to was actually God leading that enemy to the cliff to throw him over it.And what I mean by narcissism here is that God doesn’t lead people to edge and let them think they’re doing great because its oh so precious to him and he just didn’t want to hurt our feelings.. That’s actually gas-lighting in the very real sense of its actual definition. Making you believe something is true, when you pray every day “lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil..” that he’d lead you on, and then tell you its too late when he rips the blindfold off of you and you realize that you’re standing on a frozen pond that’s already cracking beneath your feet. Come on, really?

That spirit will laugh at you while you’re drowning and blame you for getting yourself there. Then once you’re at its mercy, it will pull you up for air so that it appears to everyone else as a hero. That’s what I meant by narcissism.

God will not be mocked. I’ll just leave it at that. He is not the one allowing me to breathe little by little right now. I was buried. Left for dead, spiritually. I know a lot of people are in this same position exactly as they’re reading it. God however has already rescued us, redeemed us, and I believe he’s leading the enemy through exactly what he led us through except there is no victory for that enemy. He’s turning it around, Psalm 9, I think David begins a series of a few Psalms there in a row where he basically talks about the enemy falling into the grave they dug for him. This is that –

“Have mercy on me, O Lord!Consider my trouble from those who hate me,You who lift me up from the gates of death,¹⁴ That I may tell of all Your praiseIn the gates of ^[e]the daughter of Zion.I will rejoice in Your salvation.

¹⁵ The ^[f]nations have sunk down in the pit which they made;In the net which they hid, their own foot is caught.¹⁶ The Lord is known by the judgment He executes;The wicked is snared in the work of his own hands.Meditation.^[g] Selah Psalm 9:13-16 NKJV

So that’s where we are right now. And where that hope has been barely believable, it’s reached the tipping point.

And remember, just before that, David expressed this to the God of the humble and oppressed –

“..he Lord also will be a refuge^[c] for the oppressed,A refuge in times of trouble.¹⁰ And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

¹¹ Sing praises to the Lord, who dwells in Zion!Declare His deeds among the people.¹² When He avenges blood, He remembers them;He does not forget the cry of the ^[d]humble.” Psalm 9:9-12

No, he does not forget the cry of the humble and is has never forsaken those who have sought him as their refuge. And for those who have sought him and have felt nothing, no give, and nearly the opposite of the promises for anyone who puts their trust in His name -

I know the pain has been so intense it appeared as though it is winning. But little by little as you’ve allowed the Lord to heal you in those moments where oxygen became available, it ignited the revival fire on the inside of our hearts; just enough to destroy one more stronghold. And then another, and then another one, completely devoured by the Lord’s flame of vengeance. One by one, burning these enemy fortresses to the ground. Ash. Nothing but straight ash. There goes another one; yes, that one. The one that said this was your fault, that you had an “open door” somewhere thus allowing this to happen. That stronghold just got lit, torched. Another lie bites the dust. Sometimes, you just get attacked.

“¹² Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; ¹³ but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. ¹⁴ If you are ^[e]reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified.” 1 Peter 4:12-14

Now. LOOK, child. Look at the smile on your face. You don’t need a mirror to see it, you know it’s there. That’s truth taking hold of that seed of hope that’s been growing larger and larger behind the scenes. It’s much farther along than you’ve known. Exceeding joy! Look at hope coming up. I’ve been able to feel it, so I know you can, too. I’ve been able to finally feel it without feeling that it’s going to slip away again. It was never going to slip away. The feeling was real, but hope doesn’t let go. And you already know that, because the Truth was written into your very DNA; it was only a matter of time before you saw it through these new eyes he’s been developing. Like a Fresnel lens, formed with the very stones of the foundation of the New Jerusalem, you’re seeing in multi-dimensional truth now. Haha! That’s right! You already were seeing this way! And now, just as promised, MORE! You prayed for justice, now here it comes, oh you, the Apple of his Eye!

 ⁴ just as [in His love] He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world, so that we would be holy [that is, consecrated, set apart for Him, purpose-driven] and blameless in His sight. In love ⁵ He predestined and lovingly planned for us to be adopted to Himself as [His own] children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the kind intention and good pleasure of His will—” Ephesians 1:4-5 AMP

Can you feel it now? I’ve been able to feel its strength, the strong arm of hope - hope’s refusal to let go and now my mind is catching up with what’s going on in my spirit. I’m sorry, what I meant was, “What’s already been going on in my spirit.” Since the beginning of time.

Right now, warrior, the pain and the hope are neck and neck now and the scale is tipping in favor of HOPE. Hope that comes from Christ alone; hope that comes from abiding in him and trusting him to do what he said he’s going to do in spite of everything that is still going on around you. I’m saying, like, my circumstances haven’t changed a bit. But I’m able to see, believe, and lean on something that doesn’t make any sense at all; yet it does. It makes perfect sense, the invisible strength, that is certain again, for the first time in about three years - hope triumphing over pain.

I am confident that today, as the scales tipped in favor of the Favored, even if by one singular degree, they’ve tipped. Watch it sprout up like the Lighthouse you were being made into all this time. You thought you were merely a burning stick, which was all you ever dreamed of being and it was the greatest dream you’d ever had! But God said, “Oh, oh OH! My dear fiery one! Oh, how we’re going to laugh together when you see what I had in mind from the beginning! Oh, the joy!” And that joy is the fuel that lights this eternal lamp. You truly are a city on a hill.

And for all of this, another lie torn down, another painful memory scorched by his fire of jealous, zealous love, I will see God do what only he can do. I will also see the truth that’s been hidden by every ounce of pain and betrayal. Where the enemy tried to convince me that I’m ungrateful, unforgiving. I will rise up with the dawn and laugh (Psalm 2) as though to bellow out a north wind with my Father on his heavenly throne. It is impossible to love and not forgive. It is impossible to be forgiven and not love. Oh, Lord have mercy on us all! Oh, watch how the strongholds crumble and tumble! From the Father’s celestial, joyful tummy-rumble!

He just wants to write the next chapter of our love story. Actually, he wants to show me what he has been writing in this next chapter already that I haven’t been able to see or hear. I’m about to see that what I thought was self-pity was actually worship. What I thought was despair was actually a whirling dance of warfare.

Lord, I bless every eye that lays itself upon this journal entry. This one is for the Fighters. The used, the misunderstood, the relentless, the reckless, the firebrands, now you are a Lighthouse. May this testimony of hope outweigh the pain in their own situation, may it tilt their scales tonight. Abba. I love you, thou art very great.